*********

Newspaper clippings unread,

swept aside they might find

the curb that drains to the sea.

**********

Walking next to death we drink

to forget, walk side by side with me.

You smile, the buzz great, it

seems the sleep you always

dreamed it’d be, peace of mind

fleeting and after perfect days,

**********

How can I keep it up for weeks

and months and years—this must

be it… my last day.

*********

Self-pity’s got me tied to the bottle,

there’s no turning back I’ve decided

to turn my will and life over

to death, fuck it—the alcoholic

anthem, oh woe is me,

*********

I’m hangin’ by a thread.

I’m hangin’ by a thread.

********

Truth, dreams, they pass away now

as I palm this beer what’s to do here

but swerve into this car they better

get moving, bend or break,

this is my last day, back pain, head

aches there’s no other way,

*********

I’m hangin’ by a thread.

I’m hangin’ by a thread.

******

Look at me isn’t this great, the

talk of the town, one last time

to shine, maybe I’ll shock ‘em

go out in a blaze of glory, be

the front page story, wait don’t

forget those clippings heading out

to sea, that could be me.

**********

Wait, I feel the pull, I’m stuck…

I feel funny, Someone or Something

is using me for good even when

I’m outta money, there’s a Power

unseen, God they talk about

it every A.A. meeting I’ve ever

been…

***************

They tell me if I can manage one day

I have it all, put a God in my life,

thank Something bigger than me,

live my passions, do what I think

God wants me to do…

*********

Live one more day, live

one more day, realize that all that

dying stops the moment I stop

the killing. I’m sober now almost

10 years. The thread was God,

**********

the needle was fucking A.A. man

***********

“Moving On”

**********

Somethin’ in me changed,

the scenery it stays the same,

**********

At first when you decide to live

yer not sure if it’s night or day,

but you plug away, a Frost poem

being read or performed down

a hill, it’s such a thrill, this life—

********

Apart the roughness, even in

its cool midst, the rough part of it,

flowers and poetry in the mist,

songs and rainbows, truth—

a sonnet in the MIX!!!!!!

**********

This must be usable, the things

I dream unstoppable, I love

the song that sings us together,

unity, the goal, a sunshine hot

off cat’s back, snap a picture

this moment loves then changes,

********

Will it ever come back?

***********

Ahh, the sigh part, then we get cozy,

sleep and dream of another,

I’m moving on, but not today—

*********

PEACE!!!!!!!!

Books, baseball cards, football cards; the books?  There were items that literally kept me inspired enough to stay alive in hospitals and horrible places when I was in the midst of my confusion–

I’m making space for a music studio/film editing area, converting our storage garage…….

Once years ago, and at a time I was still battling with thoughts of suicide, I threw away 20 or so journals filled with poetry I had written, including my first-ever poems written in Mexico, some lines in Spanish, some in English–inspired, but “early” stuff……..

I trashed them in lieu of trashing my life, I chose to keep my piano, and moved on……..

I knew I sometimes made an excuse and thought, “If I die now, at least I’ll leave behind all my poetry–”  Well, that day I took that excuse and “insurance” away, forced myself to live in the presence, to be my message’s own messenger, to play the piano, to sing, to travel–

I threw my journals away, today some old sentimental books, but I feel light, and energized, and I love today, believe in it, the now, PEACE!!!!!!!!

I love life and it starts with Life, ends with Life, with Life in the middle.  A.A. gives me a lot, a brilliant program, crafty Christianity mixed with 20th century thought, namely re: psychiatry.

Freud, Jung, ID, ego, superego, the Collective Unconscious, replacing bad habits with good ones–

If you are anything like me:  ALCOHOL IS the issue, no matter how cleverly it hides!!!!!!!!

Once bit with depression and a case of the “I wanna die”‘s, the Devil himself will come down or up, whatever–nest next to your heart, he wants you dead, at least confused!!!!!!!!

Doing one thing is good, play the piano, go to a movie–there is a DAY in going out to the movies–trust that if you can do a couple simple, neat and or passionate things per day, then sleep…. that IS living, for LIFE IS A DAY, and if you can end up sleeping in a warm place, YOU ARE WINNING THIS GAME CONGRATULATIONS, uhhhh—maybe go and help others win NOW?!!??!?!?!?!!??!

I love you with all my heart, you are special, PEACE AND LOVE!!!!!!!! –William Ward Watkins, alive:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suicide has a great buddy–Alcohol.

Self-destruction is self-destruction, self-harm is self-harm, once you start to cut a little, next comes a bigger and bigger cut until your life is threatened!!!!!!!!

Alcohol consumption is a little cut t first, but kill enough cells with the substance, cut off enough good circulation, and WORST OF ALL:  CUT OFF YOUR DREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!! … and you will be in trouble–

Alcohol can be a dream-killer, it was for me, and now I’m trying to get some back, build some new ones!!!!!!!!

Those who can’t do, teach; those who can’t do, nor teach, get drunk–

I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, MUCH PEACE AND LOVE TODAY!!!!!!!! –WILLIAM:)!!!!!!!!PEACE!!!!!!!!

http://www.amazon.com/Formerly-Suicidal-ebook/dp/B005UOR87E/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1318632804&sr=1-1 !!!!!!!!

I also have for sale:

Spiritual Science:

http://www.amazon.com/Spiritual-Science-ebook/dp/B004URSL8W !!!!!!!!

Pacific Hope:

http://www.amazon.com/Pacific-Hope-ebook/dp/B004V0VPAY/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1318632890&sr=1-1 !!!!!!!!

Santa Barbara:

http://www.amazon.com/Santa-Barbara-ebook/dp/B004V0VPJA/ref=sr_1_22?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1318632935&sr=1-22 !!!!!!!!

Check ‘Em out!!!!!!!!PEACE!!!!!!!!

His or Her name was God, Higher Power, Jehovah, Joe-bob, Billy or Bobby, Suzy–

Something was loving and good, and more powerful than US!!!!!!!!

We were lost and hopeless, were ready to give up–

GIVE UP!!!!!!!! What you don’t want God will take and make great, step out of the way, be helped, take that load off your shoulders, and BE!!!!!!!!

GOD is your new employer, you are done, you may never make money again, you may fail in many things, but if you replace your depression, fear and anxiety with belief in a Power greater than yourself, you will receive Every DAY, PEACE OF MIND!!!!!!!!

And Peace of Mind is… HEAVEN!!!!!!!! GIVE UP YOUR DEPRESSION TODAY AND WALK WITH ME——–LOVE, WILLIAM:)!!!!!!!!PEACE!!!!!!!!

MY NEW BOOK:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005UOR87E !!!!!!!!

Everything is just the way it’s supposed to be…

It all becomes JIBBER-JABBER, all good sayings, unless you adhere to the most relevant of all: “One day at a TIME!!!!!!!!” Center your energy, your life, your spirituality, your everything on living THIS day——–

Beginning, middle and end, LIVE IT!!!!!!!!

Wake up, do some stuff, take care of some stuff, enjoy some stuff, and go to sleep.

Excessive alcohol and/or drugs, sex, perhaps food, a few others:  they get in the way of sleep if nothing else, and sleep IS THE BRIDGE BETWEEN DAYS NEEDED FOR “ONE DAY AT A TIME” LIVING TO WORK!!!!!!!!

We must sleep, therefore beware stuff that has carry-over effects into “tomorrow;”  Even excessive planning or date-making, it can make living a drag to meet yesterday’s expectations, no?!!??!?!?!?!?!!?

Crime goes in there too, as something that might louse up a day, carries over sometimes….

Some things are great carry-overs like — Marriage???????? Great for some, TWO DO BECOME ONE so to wake up on a new day and say, “I’m gonna live this day fresh and divorce my wife” is three things:

1.) weird.

2.) disturbing.

3.) Strange–

EVEN ODD!!!!!!!! Odds and EVENS?!?!?!?!?!!??!!? My bro’s name is Stephen!!!!!!!!

Have a GREAT F’ING DAY!!!!!!!!PEACE!!!!!!!!

My handsome Bro:

I have lost friends to suicide, we encounter and have encountered artists, musicians, “friends” from our CD store and music stations…. They die before entering adulthood–

I was so low myself, and the path back to health, or really to a new and never-experienced health is SO UPHILL and DAUNTING, some choose not to take it…

“It’s easier to die…..” To live meant we had to CHANGE, often in the face of loved ones and people who “loved us how we used to be!!!!!!!!”  We have been backed into a corner, got used to the corner, and now are ready to die in that corner without making any waves other than our death–

I chose life, like Ren from Trainspotting, you remember the speech!!!!!!!!

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin can openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life . . . But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got heroin?

Did you recite that with a Scottish accent!?!??!?!?!?!?!!? FRIGGIN’ HAVE FUN TODAY AND GIVE LIFE A CHANCE!!!!!!!! — Love, WILLIAM:)!!!!!!!!

I had had six months of sobriety prior to March 4th 2002, when I decided to act on a little fantasy to go to the market and buy some beer and wine, stuff to have around the house… Why not, I reasoned, was I not an adult, over twenty-one years of age, with my own apartment?

I got the stuff along with a bunch of other groceries, and drank a bit of beer, enough to feel a buzz, thought of a friend who had committed suicide years earlier, made a couple phone calls and tried to get a little party going like the old dayzzz!

No one came, and by March 6th, I was bored with the beer, hadn’t had any of the wine, took a walk to Army recruiting in Pasadena from my apartment in South Pasadena.  Once there, I looked back and in my mind’s eye could see my fridge at home–

It was a dark scene, scary–as if an abusive killer were in my kitchen….

I decided that upon my return home, I would dump the stuff and enter hopefully my last effort at sobriety–a successful one!  I did that, dumped the crud, have over nine years of sobriety now, feeling that Heaven, if only just a peace of mind, is achievable for me SOBER.

God can use me today to be there for other people.  Drinking alcohol was always a selfish endeavor, and therefore along with alcohol, I threw my old self down the drain March 6, 2002.